We Asked Allison Robicelli Elle Mag’s Christina Tosi Questions; These Are Her Answers

Yesterday, we told tale of a completely gross Elle Magazine interview conducted with Momofuku Milk Bar founder Christina Tosi, in which, instead of discussing her many accomplishments, inspirations, dreams, goals, and sources of strength (being a ladychef in a man’s world and all), they asked her things like: “You are slim. How do you stay slim?”

After flying into a hormonal rage — because we’s is ladies, and that’s how we’s do — and pounding a homemade Carbomb cupcake baked straight from the snarktastic pages of Robicelli’s: A Love Story, with Cupcakes, it dawned on us to pose these same questions to Allison Robicelli. She’s a trained ladychef, she co-owns Robicelli’s in her home neighborhood of Bay Ridge (the other owner is her husband Matt, because as Howard Chua-Eoan reminds us, women can’t really get anywhere in the kitchen without the help of men), and she’s doing all of the above while parenting two small kids. For some perspective on those Elle Magazine questions, here are Allison Robicelli’s answers.

The Braiser: Would you consider yourself a sweets addict?

Allison Robicelli: Well I had to replace my opiate addition with SOMETHING. It was either sweets or coffee enemas.

How often a day do you eat something sweet?

Thursday. The rest of the week I just guess if the stuff we’re baking is good. Fingers crossed!

You are slim. How do you stay slim?

Ok, maybe I wasn’t entirely truthful about the coffee enemas.

How important is it to you to be thin?

Priorities List:

#1: Be skinny.

#2: Be pretty.

#3: Be a good wife, mother, and human being.

#4: Devote my life to making people smile.

#5: Have totes adorbs shoes.

Do you watch your overall food intake? If so, do you have any tips or tricks for making sure you don’t go overboard?

If I start getting too big, my husband and two sons tell me that they will stop loving me, and won’t acknowledge my existence until I’m at a weight that pleases them. That’s all the motivation I need!

Do you exercise?

I love running, but what I love even more is talking about how I’m a runner so people know how I’m better than them. There’s two types of people in the world: people who are constantly striving to optimize their cardiovascular health, and complete fucking losers.

People must ask you these kinds [of] questions all the time. What have you determined is the most important factor in maintaining a healthy weight, especially when you’re surrounded by sweets?

I’m not going to lie — willpower is hard. There’s so many points in the day when I’m juggling baking, running a growing company, writing books, raising the children, having meaningful conversations with the people I love — I mean, there’s so much going on, and sometimes the easiest thing to do is grab a cookie or a piece of pie because it tastes really good and makes me happy.

But every time I’m tempted to do that, I picture myself on a crowded subway platform, packed with thousands of people I don’t know, all going off to different places. I think of those people and the things that they want, the things that they need. And then I picture all of those people being subjected to the horrors of having to look at me wearing A SIZE 12. Is that really fair to them? I mean, some of them might be surgeons who are off to try and save peoples lives, or engineers off to build schools, and if these people I don’t know have to be exposed to something so awful as large rounded Sicilian ass…I mean, what’s not to say that they’ll be haunted by it all day and a child will die?

Or what if someone clicks on an article about me on Eater, realizes that I’m not perfect, and seeing as they no longer allow anonymous comments and he can’t fire off some witty remark like “Now that she’s opened that bakery it looks like she might become Allison Robi-belly!”, so he promptly throws themselves out the window because what sort of fucked up world do we live in where a size 12 woman can get any iota of media coverage? Can I live with that blood on my hands?

I try to stay mindful that we’re all connected on this globe, and every single one of our actions can have startling effects on everyone around us, especially if we don’t know them. And that’s why every night before I go to bed, I stand in front of my bathroom mirror, I look at every line on my face, every cellulite dimple, every bulge and droop, every stretch mark — and I remind myself that I am a hideous monster, and that there are complete strangers out there who expect me to look good for them.

It doesn’t really matter how much I love cake, or if I’d like to get a few beers with friends after work, or go out to a romantic dinner with my husband where calories don’t matter. Because at the end of the day, that will never make people on the internet happy, and I would never be able to sleep at night knowing that they’re miserable.

RELATED:
Elle Asks Christina Tosi a Million Questions About Her Thin Body, Two About Her Food
Robicelli’s Announces Opening of Brick-and-Mortar Bakery Coming to Bay Ridge
Robicelli’s Cupcakes Owner Gets Peed on for Her Birthday, Lives to Write about It

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