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Alton Brown Settles An Unseemly Domestic Dispute, Judge Judy Style

Fancy a little middlebrow humor this afternoon? How about a podcast in which faux-historian and humorist John Hodgman puts on his best “People’s Court” robe and settles piddling domestic disputes? And let’s throw in a little bit of Alton Brown as an expert witness, for good measure.

In his podcast Judge John HodgmanHodgman, otherwise known as the PC in the “Mac vs. PC” ads, and America’s preeminent hobo historian, heard the case of Natalie vs. Hugo. The needed help settling a longstanding dispute: at what point in the life cycle of food is it okay to throw it out? For instance, Natalie throws out food when mold begins to grow on it, while Hugo refuses to toss out “perfectly usable food”, preferring instead to simply tear off the moldy bits.

Alton’s response has to be heard in context of the entire cross-examination to be fully understood, though this one gem (in which Hugo argues that it’s perfectly alright to eat a ripe avocado that has made contact with the ground) is priceless:

Natalie: You [Hugo] actually have pushed the dog’s poop underneath the fruit trees to fertilize it naturally, so you’re actually pushing all the poop under the tree. So your fruits are falling –

Alton: Oh my god. Oh. My. God. Hugo, is this true — that you are using God’s own compost underneath these trees, and then picking up the fruit from the fecal ground that you have laid, and dining upon it?

Hugo: I must say, I do…

And the best cross examination in the modern history of food carries on below:

[Judge John Hodgman]

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