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Happy Birthday, Martha Stewart! We Refuse To Believe You Just Turned 72

Let us take some time now to wish Martha Stewart a happy 40th birthday. Wait — WHAT?! Google says she’s 72?! Google, you’re full of lies.

It’s already bad enough that you collect all our personal information and maybe hand it over to the NSA, but to claim that Martha Stewart is some old woman, well, that’s just beyond the pale of trickery. There’s no way that Martha Stewart was born in 1941, planted the seeds of her multimillion-dollar business empire in 1976 (she must have been born in 1976), and has an adult daughter named Alexis. Psh, that just seems like crazy talk, Google. We mean, look at Martha’s radiance! Money can’t buy that.

Wait — it can? Oh.

Well, that makes sense now. Either that, or Martha Stewart is truly a domestic goddess, the human avatar of the household deity Hestia. Or such.

Assuming you are a human, happy birthday, Martha!

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