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JOB POSTING: Freelance Tanning Reporter Wanted

As The Braiser begins to expand, we realized that there’s still so much more we need to learn about our subjects: not just the color of their skin, but just how they get such lovely golden tans summer after summer.

That’s right: we’re hiring a gossip reporter to follow our favorite celebrity chefs on the beach this summer for our newest feature, “Rotisserie: Chefs And Their Tans.”

The ideal candidate will:

- Boast a near-obsessive knowledge of celebrity chefs and the PANTONE color matching system

- Have contacts in every country around the world (particularly those with the tannest chefs)

- Have a strong resistance to the smell of sunscreen

- Have an intimate knowledge of Joe Bastianich’s tan (is it bronzed or would you call that a burnished mahogany?), know the difference between the colors of a sunburned Bobby Flay and Angry Bobby Flay.

- Be comfortable hiding in beach dumpsters

- Preference will be given to candidates who can identify the country of origin of Anthony Bourdain’s tan each week, with a fast-tracked final round interview for photos of him in a tanning salon with accompanying “THE TAN IS FAKE” exposé.

Salary is competitive, with bonuses for photographic evidence of embarrassing tan lines on Mario Batali, or proof that the crevasses on Gordon Ramsay’s face have seen the sun, or the anti-sun mechanism used by known day-walking vampire Marcel Vigneron.

Please send all resumes to “April Fools’!”

Woulda been pretty great to be on the Bourdain Tan beat all summer though, right?

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