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WATCH: Khristianne Uy’s Millionaire Matchmaker Set-Up Punked Us All

Remember how smug we felt yesterday for thinking we knew exactly how Khristianne Uy’s Millionaire Matchmaker episode was going to go, after we spotted one of the girls from the mixer sneak peek being paraded around The Taste finale as Khristianne’s girlfriend? Joke’s on us, kids. Turns out Khristianne chose two OTHER girls for her mini-date, and wound up taking one of them on a romantic fishing adventure that ended in a total makeout sesh. But let’s back up.

First. Let’s examine Khristianne’s package. Her net worth is wiggity one point five MILLION dollars. The Taste what? $100,000 grand prize who? Brian Malarkey why? Homegirl is legit. And has been featured on Millionaire Matchmaker before when Denise Richards’ father needed a chef to teach on a cooking date. Welcome to the Millionaire’s Club, K.

Next, Patti Stanger excitedly meets “Chef K” and gushes enthusiastically about how long she’s been waiting to set up a lesbian, like the self-respecting JAP-y faghag that she is. No judgment. We wish we could say the same about her awkward handling of lesbian relationship dynamics, but it’s her first time, so we’ll be gentle. Would you like to play a drinking game? Take a shot every time Khristianne says “butch in the streets and femme in the sheets” in the clip below. Then finish the bottle at the end when Patti declares that “one of the problems with Chef K is that she has a butchy-kind-of-girl-look and I need that femme-y girl who’s attracted to butchy.” Patti, finding that girl is not a problem that any lesbian in the history of ever has suffered. Get it together, lady. We want to see you pull this off.

Then, at the screening, Patti tells all the queer girls that they have terrible hair, which like…ugh, just watch the casting below, while we go put our heads down for a minute.

Then, Patti gently reminds her male millionaire to avoid all his bad dating habits (controlling, assuming a position of dominance, treating his dates like they’re his assistants, etc), while the best advice she can come up with for Khristianne is “listen.” Bonus: watch the dude ask all the ladies if there “any foodies” in the crowd, it’s dear. Sidebar: thank god for that Fiona Apple wannabe who asked Khristianne how exactly she identifies beneath that wide, wide lesbian umbrella. We’re sorry Patti made you straighten your hair. You seem maybe less Crazy Singer-Songwriter With Too Many Feelings than the show made you out to be. Check out the mixer below.

Wait, huh? What? Khristianne didn’t pick the blonde who is currently her girlfriend? Does that mean she had a sexy date with Rocio that didn’t work out, then called up the other girl, and proceeded to wife her up? Crazy! We’re going to be verrry generous, here, and assume that Bravo didn’t encourage K to choose a long-haired surfer babe over an equally androgynous girl in the interest of creating binary-friendly TV magic, just because Patti can only wrap her head around lady-loving-ladies in butch-meets-femme terms. Because that would be insulting. On the other hand, maybe Khristianne’s just got game. Check out her totally locking in a kiss on a first date!

They planned a second date for the cameras, but never followed through, and the rest with Brittany Wiener (yes, that’s the real name of blondie Khristianne is currently dating) is sapphic history. We’re sure Patti’s probably still patting herself on the back somewhere. But, if Khristianne ever wants to call us up and tell us how it all shook out in real life over negronis, we wouldn’t complain.

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