Male Vegetarians Live Longer Than Their Meat-Eating Counterparts; Women Are Totally Fine
Meat-eaters might suddenly stare into the face of death a bit sooner, according to a recent study published by scientists at the Loma Linda University: a six-year study of over 70,000 members of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, famous for its promotion of plant-eating, found that vegetarians experienced 12% fewer deaths than their meat-eating counterparts. And here’s another finding to pile onto your carnivorous existential dread: meat-eaters were 19% more likely to die of heart disease.
And we’re really, really sorry to have to point this out to our lovable James Beard award-winning manbearpig friend Josh Ozersky, but Bloomberg News reports that the study found that vegetarian men had a greater longevity than their meat-eating counterparts and were less likely to die of heart disease. Weirdly enough, though, that same vegetarian advantage didn’t appear among women.
So meat-eating men are at a biological disadvantage when they eat meat? And all y’all single ladies can eat a giant roasted pig without worrying too much about an untimely heart attack forty years from now (because your vegetarian friends will also be dead from all that Women Pressure/osteoporosis)? What a tremendous irony! Also, please take care of yourself and don’t die on us too soon, Josh Ozersky. Also also, please don’t turn Meatopia into a sad rumination on our inevitable march towards death; we enjoyed it as it was.