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WATCH: Conan Shares Martha Stewart’s Match.com Profile Video

Conan O’Brien announced the news that Martha Stewart had joined Match.com on his show last night, and, rather than comment, he simply shared with the audience Martha’s profile video, which was partly a declaration of her needs and desires, and partly a how-to, Martha-style.

For example: sex will take place in one of two positions (Missionary or Alpine Mishap), while lit by the soft glow of candles nestled inside hollowed out heirloom artichokes; only home-crafted lambskin condoms will be permitted (see above); sex will take place once every 44 days and last precisely 12-and-a-half minutes. Um, are we the only ones who think dating Martha Stewart sounds awesome? Great.

Check out the clip below.

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