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WATCH: This Is How Real Patriots Open A Bottle Of Wine

Corkscrews? Those are for effete Europeans. Shoes? That’s for fancy New York hipsters. Real Americans — like this guy below — know how to get into a bottle of the finest cabernet sauvignon: with ninja swords, rockets, eagles, fire, and GUNS. Basically, he brings wine to The Extreme Edge. How you like them wine-apples now, Jay McInerney?

Don’t try this at home, because despite what you might believe, you’re not really as Real Of An American as this guy is. Especially you, Jay McInerney.

[h/t Serious Eats]

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